Feeling Friday - Anxiety

First of all, I want to apologise that this post isn't really what I usually post about, but I feel I needed to vent, so here goes.


Its one of the most overused, and overlooked term in the english language, but what does having anxiety really mean?

I guess it can mean different things to different people. It could mean you are a bit shy, nervous in some situations. It could mean that you worry a lot. It can mean that you get so wound up in every little thing in your life you are afraid to leave your house sometimes.

For me, the latter is something that is all too familiar.

I think it really started when I came home from Australia in 2011. I was young, first time living out of home, 10,000 miles away from the only person who makes me feel at ease, my mum. I found out very fast that life outside your family home isn't all it is cracked up to be. I was broke, cold and miserable. Then I started college, and really started to notice a change in myself. I was no longer the outgoing funny girl I once knew. I was anxious, worried and with want for a better word, depressed. I am great at putting on a brave face, I believe I have been for 4 years now. In college, there was a good two weeks I can remember when I first started, that I didn't speak for. I simply got out of bed at 6am, had my 2 hour commute to college, sat there for 8 hours and did it all again on the way home, without speaking a word to anyone. Its the darkest I have ever remembered feeling. After college, everything seemed to get better,  I started my own business, moved house and I felt 'normal' again. Things had started to get better.

That is, until my dad passed away early last year. That has been my first real brush with death and I still have not come to terms with him being gone, I don't think I ever will. I am so like him in many ways, thats why I think I am struggling so hard to deal with the loss. I feel like a part of me is gone now too. Life feels a bit colder, emptier with him being gone. He struggled with depression and anxiety his whole life, but he was a very closed person. He never liked to share how he was feeling, unless it was him being pissed off!  (we definitely share that trait!)  Knowing him, you wouldn't know he had these problems. He was always talking and laughing with someone, always had stories and jokes to tell.  I will write a post about him sometime in the future, one little paragraph would not do him justice. I think I'm a little like him in that way, only those very close to me would be able to tell if I was sad, or having a 'wobbly' day as I like to call them. In my eyes, thats a good thing, I hate burdening other people with my problems. I would rather suffer in silence than bring anyone else down. I am trying to change that.

Anxiety is something you truely suffer with, and you suffer alone. Sure, you might know someone who has anxiety and you can speak openly about it to them, but on those 'wobbly days' you realise that even when you are surrounded by people who love and care for you, when you feel like this you are completely alone. Noone can help you out of the rut, only you.

I am writing this, as a view from the other side, as for the last week I have had glimmers of hope. I have felt somewhat 'normal' for the first time in months, probably years. Go figures, this would be the case as I made the decision to seek help about 2 weeks ago. I am still going to do this, as with feelings, you never know how long they will last. I want to be able to learn how to deal with these feelings instead of bottling them, or worse. I have come to the realisation recently, that I am a happy person, trapped in a sad persons body. I love everything about happiness, I love being excited about things and not worrying about what bizzare things might maybe happen. I like being able to sit in silence after a good day and be able to smile, rather than sit worrying about what I said to someone two weeks ago, or if i remembered to turn the gas off or not. This is the way I have felt the last week or so, it's been great. I like being the happy person I know I am deep down.

I feel like writing down the depths of my feelings will help me,  I encourage you to do the same. It doesn't have to be anything that even makes sense, as long as it gets out of your brain and goes somewhere. Feeling this way can get very lonely, and when you feel like you have exhausted everyone around you with your problems, sometimes getting it all out of your brain can really help. Its like the feeling you get when you have everything on your to-do list crossed off.

Please let me know if these kinds of posts interest you!

Until next time,

Moody Blue

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